....and just like that

although the day my life changed forever seems like a lifetime ago, i still can't believe that it's been six years.

kids are a funny thing. one day you're knee deep in poopy diapers and sleepless nights, just treading water trying to get to the next phase of life. and then before you know it, your kids are real little people who can take care of themselves (i mean, relatively speaking).

last night, hiba got ready for bed by herself. completely. shower, dried herself off, dried her hair, pjs on, brushed teeth, and brushed hair. on her own. happily. with no tears.

it's like she is growing up or something.

and then today she turned six. i asked her if she felt any different this morning, and she said she feels bigger. when i dropped her off at school, she ran over to a group of girls, probably excitedly telling them it is her birthday, and then they just laughed together as they walked to the playground. like real people.

when did this happen? 

whenever it was, i'm glad it did. it's so fun watching her grow. watching her learn and become more and more independent. it's great to see how her little mind works, figuring out the world. and although i can't believe she is already so big, i'm glad she is.

happy, happy birthday, hiba bear! 

all done with preschool!

today was hiba's last day at easter seals with her whole class.

excuse me while i hyperventilate and cry a little.

she'll actually still be here on monday and tuesday, but it's only for kids in aftercare and the teachers are in training - so this was her last day.

they had a super fun water day, which hiba loved, and then a class party. she had such a great year here. she made some great friends, had wonderful teachers, and really grew. i am so SO thankful that she was able to be at easter seals for prek - it gives me a much better feeling about the kindergarten transition. we're excited to move on, but sad to leave - it's been real, easter seals!

dance party!!

 

the big K

so 2 weeks from today, hiba starts kindergarten.

!!!!

to say i am a little freaked out would be a bit of an understatement. i am sure i will be equally freaked out when matthias starts, but probably for a whole bunch of different reasons.

anyway. last thursday, we went to check-in at hiba's school. she will be starting at our neighborhood school, which i actually have a good feeling about. i mean, as good of a feeling as i would have with her starting anywhere, i think. hiba got to meet one of the kindergarten teachers and got to see her hallway and peek in the rooms. we won't find out her teacher until like the day before school starts, which is a little frustrating, but it'll be ok.

we had hiba's transition meeting and iep meeting back in june, and i actually have a good feeling about how it went. of course, we'll see how it is actually all implemented, but at the iep, we seemed to have a good team who understood hiba and her needs - they seemed to realize the supports that have been put in place are important and helping, and the reason she is doing so well is because of those supports. i have read so many horror stories about iep meetings, but ours went well and we got everything that we asked for.

so it looks like it will all be ok. that's kind of my phrase for the next few weeks. i've already seen a little bit of a heightened anxiety in hiba, which was to be expected, and i'm sure that will stick around for at least a few weeks once school gets going. but it will be ok. she is so much more flexible and adaptable than she was a year ago. she has a great support system in place and jason and i are learning more about how to relate to her and help her stay calm. so, it'll be ok.

how is she this grown up?!?

mr. matthias

i am confused as to why anyone coined the phrase "terrible twos". the twos weren't so bad, at least not for our kids. i mean sure, we had the whole separation anxiety, developing personality, getting into anything and everything phases, but all in all - not too bad.

(also, i tend to forget horrible chunks of life. sort of like child-raising p.t.s.d. so maybe it was bad and i don't remember. if that's the case, please don't remind me.)

now, with hiba, we obviously had some different issues going on. two was when we started to notice behaviors that were either increasing when they should have been decreasing or decreasing when they should have been increasing. and that all went on in the twos and threes, so it was hard to separate what was communication issues and what was the so-called terrible twos. but that was all different. i'm talking about the terrible twos that you hear about - tantrums, fussing, not sleeping, whining, always saying no, hitting, yadda, yadda, yadda.

the thing is, when your kids don't do those things at age two, you get to age three and think you are in the clear. you think, wow, i am pretty awesome. i sure know how to handle my kids and their development. my kids are so great. look at me and how great i am getting through that "terrible two" stage with flying color.

HA.

enter this guy:

don't let that innocent face fool you...

yeah. he will just blow that whole theory out of the water. this guy is tough these days. "opinionated" and "strong willed" don't really quite capture it. "independent" and "self-reliant" is putting it nicely. "pain in the butt" and "tiring" are not really the words that i would like to choose to describe him.

every. little. thing. is a fight. matthias, go put your shoes on. NOOOOOOOO!!!!! matthias, get your coat, please. *SCREAM!!!* matthias, eat this candy. I WANTED TO DO IT BY MYSELF!!!!!!! and holy cow, it is exhausting.

i have to keep reminding myself that one day this will pay off. one day, he will be a strong leader, sticking to his guns no matter what the cost. one day, he will fight for what he believes and stand up to anyone who says otherwise. one day, all of this "personality development" will be a positive thing.

but until "one day" comes, he will continue to try to wear me down with his fussing and whining and kicking and screaming and yelling and nay-saying.

well guess what, folks. joke's on him. because what he doesn't realize is that my parents had those "one day" thoughts about me as well. and too bad for matthias, that one day is here. and i'll outlast him. i'll keep on putting him in time out, keep on disciplining him, keep on refusing to listen to him scream, keep on making him apologize for his behavior, keep on making him use a big boy voice, keep on doing my darndest to channel his independence and strength into positive outlets without losing my mind. and i'll win. i have to. so that one day, by the grace of God, he'll win, too.

the great divide

we put hiba and matthias in separate bedrooms this week.

i'm a little sad and a little happy about this. first, we don't really have a guest room now, since our house only has three bedrooms. this just means a little more effort and rearranging when we have guests, which isn't really a big deal. more than that, i'm sad that they don't have that shared space anymore. when we had their beds in the same room, there weren't toys in that room, so at night it was easily just for sleeping (and unfortunatly jumping on the bed, waking each other up, pulling clothes out of dressers, etc., etc., etc.). and then we had the playroom, for their toys. and even though they each had their own toys, the space was shared and there was much less of a possessive feel. to be honest, it did lead to a lot of fights, but i think it was good for them to learn to share, both space and possessions.

but now, they each have their own room, with their own space, and their own toys. there are some shared toys in each of their rooms, but for the most part it really is hiba's room and matthias' room.

the theme of matthias' room is apparently "plastic toys"

hiba LOVES her new set-up

at first it made me sad, but then the first night of putting them to bed was glorious. matthias has the habit of basically not falling asleep until a good hour after he goes to bed and if we put hiba to bed before he was a sleep, shenanagins ensued. which meant that a) we had to put matthias to bed at 6 p.m., b) we had to deal with shenangins at the end of every long day, c) hiba had to stay up much later than she either wanted to or needed to, or d) hiba went to bed in our bed, which made her less than happy and was usually a fight. so, with a space of their own, bedtime comes earlier and so far mornings come just a little bit later.

and, i do think it is important for kids to have things that our theirs, either space or possessions. it helps them learn even more to share and be gracious, because it is not so forced. it helps them take ownership if they have more control over whatever is theirs. it gives them space to be alone if they want to. so all in all, i am happy with our new arrangement. 

the potty train, take 2

so the elusive potty train has finally arrived at our house! super exciting to all of you guys, i know.

matthias has been in pre-school for a few months now, and his teachers have been a little obsessive about potty training him. i think partly because he is so huge. i mean, really. he weighs something obsurd like 42 lbs., so i completely don't blame them for not wanting to lift him up on a changing table on a regular basis. which, in turn, was great for me because they did most of the work. a few weeks ago, his teachers let me know that he was regularly going to the bathroom at pre-school and loved the reinforcement of suckers.

but, no luck at home. i would ask him, super excitedly, if he wanted to try to go potty and he could have candy/stickers/ice cream/whatever his little heart desired. and the answer was usually a panicked, screaming, cry "nooooooooo!!!" as if sitting on the potty was the worst thing in the entire world.

and then i found the trick. matthias is borderline obsessed with playing games on my phone or kindle. and when i say borderline, i mean fulll-fledged, wake up at 5:30 a.m. and sneak in to the playroom to play on the kindle, throw a kicking and screaming fit when it's taken away obsessed. so, one day i told him that he could play on my kindle if he went potty. first he threw a big fit and then a few minutes later, he walked into the bathroom, took off his diaper, peed in the potty, and proudly told me. awesome. so he played for five minutes on my kindle, and then went and peed again. and now, he just goes potty and gets to play and is super cooperative about being done after 5 minutes when we tell him.

so we found the motivation, and now it seems to be clicking (knock on wood!!). he had his fair share of accidents this weekend, but overall i would call this on the "success" side, which is a huge improvment from the epic fail that took place last time we tried this. again, it has been super nice having the help at pre-school, because they have told me to stop sending him in diapers so it's not confusing to him, which i think is great. also on the plus side, his shorts all of a sudden fit again! finger's crossed - we might have a full-blown big boy on our hands now!

"i'm a big boy!!"

a-b-c, easy as 1-2-3

jason is teaching hiba to read. i absolutely love listening to them read together each night. and, not to brag or anything, but hiba is a freaking genius and catching on really fast. :-) 

sounding out words together

all the words she can read!

not to be outdone by his big sister, matthias is an avid reader as well. he does get a little confused on the words sometimes.....

but he's so darn cute while he does!

my little kiddos are growing up so fast!!

it's hard to be 2

we never really went through the "terrible/tantrum twos" with hiba. i mean, we thought we did. looking back, she was an angel. (ha - it's funny how time messes with memories). now, she definitely has a strong personality, which led to our fair share of fights, disagreements, struggles with her, but she is so verbal and just basically tried to reason with us most of the time. a lot of times (and still today), if we can get her to listen to what we say and give a reason for it, she agress. or comes back with a very reasonable (especially for a 3-year-old) counter-offer. and overall, she is a people-pleaser. she wants us to like her. she wants to hang out with us. she wants to be friends.

enter matthias. he is 2. he is not so much what i would call a "people-pleaser". he is a charmer. that is for sure. but he is also a "i'm gonna do things my way and you can live with it or leave me alone" kind of person. and if we think hiba has a strong personality - she's got nothin' on matthias (those darn second-born's. oops, that'd be my genes he's got....).

so i would say that we are in the midst of the "terrible twos". because really, many days his behavior is terrible. he is not terrible. he is still cute and funny and learning to grow up. but his behavior - oh. my. goodness.

for example, on tuesday morning, basically anytime i asked or even suggested that he do something, his response was to SCREAM "NOOOOOOO!", throw himself on the ground and/or run away from me. now the things were things like get his shoes so he can go outside, let me change his diaper, not dump sand all over the floor, let me wipe the snot rocket (or snot rocket ship, as hiba calls it) off his nose. in my opinion, all of those things actually benefit him and are not all that unreasonable. but that is obviously not his opinion.

and he is learning to talk (he says a lot of words, but i think he is still learning what they all mean), which also leads to a lot of frustration. if he has a request and can't think of the words, he just sits there and pants, fusses, and eventually screams. which is always a fun way to handle situations.

it must be hard to be 2. i think there is a reason that God made it so most people's earliest memories are a little later on in life. i mean, he can say words, but is still learning to actually use them. he is learning to do so many things - get dressed, brush teeth, eat, etc. - but can't quite do them by himself. he is learning that he can assert control, but there are boundaries that he is still figuring out.

but, if it hard being 2, i have to say - i think it's harder being a parent of a 2-year-old. it takes so much energy, consistency, love, attention, patience, energy, energy....things that don't come all that naturally to me. as matthias is growing, i am realizing how different he and hiba are. so everything that we did with hiba basically does not work with matthias. and things that we do with matthias do not work with her. so it takes a lot of on-the-job-learning, adjusting, and laughter.

i will say, that i love that he is getting older. even the screaming. because it means he is learning and growing and testing out this world, seeing how he fits into it. and that's a pretty fun thing to watch. even if it wears me out.

open a freaking door

you know what i'm tired of?

(i can hear all of you holding your breath in anticipation of my answer. i know you all really care.)

windows.

as in, "when God closes a door, he opens a window".

well, guess what. i don't like windows. they are annoying. they are inconvenient. they take a lot longer to get through, they are harder to climb through, you can't take as much crap with you when you crawl through them. it would be much easier if i could just walk through an open door.

about a year ago, i was suffering from post-missionary entitlement syndrome. i think i'm over that. i've moved on to just suffering from entitlement syndrome.

and i don't actually really feel entitled to all that much. i know that my little family is blessed beyond what we could ask or imagine. we are all healthy. we all love each other. we have a warm house and cozy beds. i have more shoes than can fit in the shoe holder in my closet. we have clothes pouring our of dressers. we eat really good food, until our stomachs hurt from being so full. we have great friends. we have an awesome faith community. God has definitely provided far beyond anything i deserve.

but it's still frustrating. especially when doors seem to be opening. doors that look really cool on the side. doors that seem to be opening when i'm not even looking for open doors. doors that i look through and see the life that i think we not only want to live, but the life i think we are called to live.

so i walk towards the door. with a lot of confidence. and a lot of gratitude. and a lot of hope. and then...

BAM!!!!

closed. and that's it. and there's always a little window next to the door that i can climb through, but the window really leads back to where i was.

and i know that where we are is not a bad place to be. i want for nothing. (well, except an iphone, but in grand scheme of things....). but this place does not seem to be our "forever place". you know, that place where you get when you are doing what you want to do. our grown up life. our living-with-a-purpose-and-loving-every-minute-of-it life. that's the life i see through the doors that keep closing. and i'm getting a little tired of climbing back in through the window and waiting for the next door to open. 

it's official now

no, it's not what you might be thinking. quite the opposite in fact.

jason and i have known for a while (like since the second we found out i was pregnant with matthias) that we are quite overwhelmed happy with our two kids. our family of four feels complete.

but. i have held onto all of our baby stuff. you know, just in case. even though the possibilties of "just in case" are one in a million. (and now we all know what my blog will be about next month...let's just all knock on wood real quick).

this weekend, matthias got a "big boy bed". his crib is gone. he does not fit into his pack n play. i have not used the baby carrier since he was six months. we don't use cloth diapers anymore. and the boxes and boxes of baby clothes are all packed up. all of our baby stuff has either been donated or is for sale. we officially are done with the baby stage of our lives.

it was a little more sad that i thought it would be. mainly because i didn't think it would be sad at all. but it was bittersweet going through it all, sorting through the clothes and the baby toys and bottles that have been in our attic since we moved here. i'm still very sure that we don't want a bigger family, at least at this point in our lives. but it's still kinda sad that we're done with babies. and now that all the stuff is gone, it's for real.

two great things did come of all this sorting, though. first, matthias found about eight shirts of mine that were in a suitcase of baby clothes. for some reason, when we came back from palestine, i packed the shirts in with their clothes and then promptly put that suitcase in the attic. for two years. i knew i had lost one of the shirts, which i was super sad about because it's really cute and it was brand new, but the others i had completely forgotten about. so fun day! i was so excited when matthias pulled them out that he got super excited and started just pulling out any piece of clothing and waiting for me to praise him for it.

secondly, i re-discovered some of the great clothes we got for the kids while we were in palestine. ahh, the wonderfulness of english writing on clothes in a foreign country. for your viewing pleasure....

what is an official dog anyway?

i'm not sure if this should be for a girl or boy. or what size. or if it is long pants or not. all sorts of fun things to figure out. 

the best thing about these clothes is hiba actually wore them. 

maybe they are going for "beauty"? i'm not sure.

quite possibly the scariest dog/cat i have ever seen. definitely not an official dog. 

i don't think anyone would dispute whose pony this is....

is it just me, or does that look like drops of blood coming out of the elephant's trunk? but again, hiba really wore this. several times.

i know about "sweet 16", but i didn't know sweet 15 was a thing. on second thought, i don't think it is. 

and my favorite. hiba wore this sweatshirt all the time. and why wouldn't she? i will send it to anyone who can tell me what the pink word behind the picture is supposed to be. you know you want this....

i'm way too old for this shiz....

thursday:

6 a.m. - woken up by hiba. laid in bed with her till about 7, but sure didn't sleep at all.

7 a.m. - matthias gets up. drag myself out of bed (and yes, i realize this isn't super early. but i hate mornings. any mornings. so every day i drag myself out of bed. even if it's at 10 a.m.)

8 a.m. - breakfast with the kiddos, make a grocery list, meal plan, plan for the day

9 a.m. - head to walmart. the "mommy's helper" novelty has totally worn off.

10:30 - go to the gym. regretting not drinking more than one cup of coffee.

12 - make it home without a complete meltdown by hiba or myself. all endorphins created during my workout are immediately sucked out of me.

1 - naptime for the kiddos! but instead of napping, i decide to watch tv. i immediately regret this decision.

3 - kids up, time to clean up the house and get dinner going.

5:30 - friends from out of town get here. yay!

6 - i leave to go to a teen mops bbq, which is fun, but always really emotionally exhausting

9 p.m. - get home, hang out with friends, catch up on life

11 p.m. - leave to go to the movie theater for the premier of the final harry potter. wondering why the heck i thought this was a good idea a week ago.

12:01 - not watching harry potter yet. stupid movie theater.

12:10 - movie starts. somehow i am still awake. yay for coke!

2:30 A.M. (i guess this should technically be under "friday") - get home, stumble into bed, and sleep

friday:

6:30 a.m. - wake up to the sounds of hiba and matthias jumping in matthias' crib. drag myself out of bed, turn on "yo gabba gabba", give the kiddos milk and bananas, and go back to sleep on the playroom floor

7:45 - doorbell rings. open it to find a policeman. not quite awake for this. it was actually nothing, our friends had bikes on the back of their car and a bike was found down the street, so he wanted to make sure it wasn't theirs. at this point, i decided it was time for coffee.

8 a.m. - breakfast, coffee, enjoying time with friends, glad jason got to go into work late. more coffee.

9:30 a.m. - three little friends join us for the rest of the morning. more coffee. it really was great they were here, because they play great with hiba and matthias so i could do things like space out on the couch, drink more coffee, and write important blog posts.

1 p.m. - naptime! this time for everyone. although i did have to stay awake long enough to run a load of hiba's clothes through the washer and move them on to the drier, so she could put them away and get a sticker.

4:30 - wake up from my nap. wishing i didn't have to. head out to the store to pick up stuff for dinner and then head to the jason's parents house. we had dinner there, then put the kids to bed (which apparently was an epic failure after we left....).

8 - get to some friends' house to teach them how to play "settlers of catan". yay! new dorky game friends! jason crushed us both games.

11:30 - leave their house, back to jason's parents to pick up our kids and take them home.

12:26 - finally home, hiba and matthias back to bed, stumble into bed and pass out.

and it doesn't really slow down here. we've got a full day today and then jason leaves for atlanta on sunday and i leave for nwa/tulsa for a few days. thank God for coffee. i'm sooooooo too old for this.

it's coming...

i am not a huge fan of having toddlers. i mean, they are funny and cute and fun to watch. but they also need EVERYTHING done for them. and they make a lot of messes. and need a lot of help. so i don't think it's my favorite stage of life (mine or theirs).

but the end is in sight. very faint sight, but in sight none the less. this week we implemented the first "job" for hiba. she is now in charge of putting away her clothes and matthias' clothes after i wash and fold them. and she is so excited about it.

i made her a little sticker chart to make it a little more exciting, which has only enhanced her desire to put clothes away. it's also enhanced her desire for me to do laundry. pretty much every day, she asks me if i will wash her clothes so that she can put them away and get a sticker.

matthias and the next step

i have been sick for the last week. which would normally be a great time to curl up in bed with a cup of tea, a heavy dose of medicine, and reverb away. however, in reality i was stuck at home with hiba and matthias, trying to not throw them out the window because my meds were not working no matter how much or what i took. so, no blogging got done. but now i'm better and want to start reverbing again. so here we go.

This year, when did you feel the most integrated with your body? Did you have a moment where there wasn’t mind and body, but simply a cohesive YOU, alive and present?

the thing that immediately came to mind was matthias' birth. i know it was in 2009, but i feel like anything from his birth forward was this year, because it all runs together in my mind. he was born in 1 1/2 hours. for those of you who don't know anything about the birthing experience, that was fast. i think most people would say a 4 or 5 hour labor would be a short labor. and as great as it was that it happened quickly and wasn't drawn out, it was awful. it was so painful, because it was all natural. not so much by choice, but because i didn't have time to get any pain meds. when it was happening, it did not seem like i was there, but my body just took over and got the job done.

and then all of a sudden, there was a little baby laying on me. he had big eyes and looked just like his sister. at that moment, just for a brief second, all the pain seemed to wash away and i was just there, holding jason's hand and holding my son. it only lasted a moment, but it was a wonderful moment.

Action: When it comes to aspirations, it’s not about ideas. It’s about making ideas happen. What’s your next step?

i don't know.

this is mostly because i don't know what my aspirations are. i mean, i know i want to be a good wife, a good mom, a good friend, yada yada yada. but i have been thinking a lot lately about what else i want to be, what else i want to do.

jason is interested in homeschooling our children. i am very open to the idea of them being homeschooled, but i have zero interest in doing the homeschooling. right now, i am counting down the days until i do not have to be at home all day with my kids. i mean, i love them and all, but....yeah. anyway, jason has said that he will homeschool them, which is great, but it means that i would have to get a job that could support our family. and as much as i loved jbu, a b.s. in family and human services doesn't pay so much.

so, i have been thinking recently about going back to school. the problem is one, i don't know exactly what i want to go back for and two, i hate school. so problem one - i'm thinking either a masters in social work (which wouldn't really solve the whole get-a-job-that-supports-my-family problem), rehabilitation counseling (which is only offered by online classes at ualr and i'm not the most self-motivated student), or occupational therapy (which is at uca, a thirty minute drive from here, and i would need to take a bunch of science classes before i could start the program). problem two - i think i would enjoy school, or at least tolerate it, if i wasn't taking gen ed classes. i worked way harder in classes for my major when i was at jbu than i did in gen ed, so i've pretty much convinced myself it wouldn't be too bad.

so now to answer the prompt - making these ideas happen. well, i need to get on that. first, i need to decide if i really want to put the work, energy, time, and money into going back to school. i think i do. i think jason is supportive of this. but we need to decide for sure. second, i need to decide what i want to do. i need to start taking the classes i need to get into these programs. i can do a lot of them online or over the summer, so i have this semester to kind of figure it out. i need to take the g.e.d., which based on practice questions won't be that hard, but i just need to do it. the plan is pretty simple - mostly i need to just start moving.

so my next step? spend christmas break really researching these different programs, talking through the ideas with jason, praying about if and what degree i should go after. and then talk to the schools as soon as the semester starts so i can actually start moving towards the goal of going back to school.

"i'm a woman!"

a couple days ago, we reached a big milestone with hiba. she is officially out of gummy bears. this means that when she goes pee-pee in the potty, she doesn't get a reward. she just has to do it now, like mommy and daddy. she was pretty excited about this.

today on our way to mops, we stopped to get gas. i was talking to hiba about something completely unrelated to going to the bathroom, which she informed me that she had underwear on. i told her that i know. she then told me that she doesn't get a gummy bear anymore, she just goes to the potty, like mommy and daddy. to this i replied something to the effect of "yes, that's so great, hiba! that's because you are such a big girl!".

to which she replied, "no, i'm not a big girl. i am all grown up now. i'm a woman!"

Restless Life Syndrome

when i think of me and jason, i think of him as being the spontaneous, adventurous, always-wanting-to-do-something-new half of us. and i am the routine lover, let's-settle-down-and-live-the-american-dream half of us. but lately, i feel as though we've flipped.

we have to own our house for three years or pay the government back $8000. when we bought the house, i was planning on selling it on march 5, 2013 and moving on to the next part of our life. i pictured this being somewhere cool and exciting, maybe back in the middle east, maybe in central or south america, or maybe in some cool city in the US. we would get jobs (or at least one of us would) doing some sort of good work for some awesome-sounding organization and our lives would be cool again. i assumed that this is what jason was planning on too.

but a while ago, he told me he doesn't really want to move in three years. he actually likes little rock, and while he doesn't necessarily want to live here for the rest of our lives, he could live here for quite a while.

so that makes me the restless one. i realized this a few days ago and have been embracing it full on. my new plan is to live in this house for three years to the day and then either rent it out or sell. we will then embark on a year-long journey around the world, visiting friends that we know to see what they are doing. we'll couch-surf and bum rides off of people, live on as little as possible. during that year, we'll find something awesome to do, probably having to do with community development type stuff in a developing country, get a job and do that for a few years. when we get bored or our contract is up, then we'll do the round-the-world thing again. sounds fun, huh? oh, and this is with our kids, who will be 5 and 3 1/2 at the start of all of this.

i realize that this is not a very realistic plan. it's just not very responsible. and while i don't think that everything we do in life has to be responsible, i think that some sort of responsibility comes with being parents and at some point you have to grow up and settle down. to some extent. (see how restless i am? i can't even say that i think i need to settle down without some sort of qualification tacked on the end...)

so why do i have restless life syndrome? i think it has to do with a fear of settling down and becoming connected with the community in which i live. when i finally gave into that in palestine, we had to leave. it took me two years to admit that we actually lived there and were there indefinitely. so by the time i really started investing in relationships, our house, our community we were only there long enough for me to finally enjoy it, finally have some really great friends, finally have it feel like home before we had to leave. and i don't really want to go through that again.

i'm starting to make some good friends - friends that i can have real conversations with about real life. we have found a church that we are excited about and want to get involved in. our house isn't completely decorated, but i've put enough work into it that i don't gag every time i walk in the door. we're making friends with our neighbors and getting involved in different organizations. but i still have this fear of putting any more effort into these things. because the reality is, jason and i have no clue what we want to be when we grow up. and we have no clue when we will grow up. so any day now, we could decide to go a different direction, move somewhere else, start a new adventure. or we could decide to stay here, invest in this community, make it our home. and since i don't know, it's hard to "be here". i mean, it takes a lot of effort to make friends, to develop a community around you, to make you live your home. and frankly, i don't want to put all that much energy into it if we're gonna just pack up and leave.

so it's easier to just plan on leaving than to not know. if we plan on leaving, than we can have fun while we're here, have some cook-outs and game nights, enjoy the time that we're here, but not really invest anything. that way it's easy to leave. it's fun to leave and exciting. but if we don't know, if we don't have our crazy plan ahead of us, then we have to live here, in the moment, making the best of what we have and really investing time and energy into making it our home. we have to make real friends and invest in people's lives and let them into ours. and all of that is wonderful, but it comes with the risk of being swept away again, being hurt, having to start over with so many memories of how great that last place was.

but here we are. i mean, we bought a house after all, so we're here for awhile at least. i'm learning to make the most of it. i'm learning that it really is better to be here and to have it be hard later than to just drift through on my own. but i'm still dreaming of what our next adventure might be.

happy birthday, zuus!

one year ago today started out like any other day. i walked hiba to day care, picked sara up to show her around bethlehem, went to a staff meeting, did a little work, went back home, made sure there were freezer meals ready - you know, every day stuff.

then i went to my dr.'s appointment, where he checked out matthias, who was looking good. plenty big, great heart beat, some small contractions here or there. so i told him i wanted to go ahead and have them break my water to put me into labor. he tried to talk me in to coming back the next morning, since it was already like 5 p.m. but i was pretty set on not being pregnant any more and hiba was at rachel's for the night, so he did not change my mind. plus, the paida carnival was like five days away and since i was the volunteer coordinator for it, the sooner i had the baby, the better.

so, i checked into the hospital, ate dinner, and headed up to the labor and delivery room. i got all settled in, they broke my water and said they'd come

back and check my progress in two hours to see if i needed any drugs or anything. that was at 6:30 p.m.

8 p.m. on the dot, matthias edward pollack made his way into the world. one and half hours of the worst pain of my entire life (admitedly, i haven't had a very painful life or anything, but GEEZ it was intense...), our little boy joined us.

now he's one. he's walking, starting to talk, laughing, joking, blowing kisses, throwing fits. how time flies. happy birthday, zuzu!