He knows.

*the following post was written a few weeks ago, at the beginning of this journey. it's taken a while to work through the information and be ready to share this part of our life. but here goes...*

6/7/12

i really love the moments when i realize that God knows what He's doing and has things worked out. i also love the moments that He chooses to reveal a little piece of that today.

today i was at work and it was a less than great day. lots of drama that wasn't my fault but that i was getting the butt of. and i was done with it all, ready to go home, ready to not deal with anything. and then i got a phone call from the director of the pre-school at easter seals. a few days ago, i talked to my boss about hiba and she was great and offered to help any way she could. i mentioned that we were thinking of trying to move hiba to easter seals from public pre-k in the fall, but i honestly wasn't too hopeful about it, since i knew there was a waiting list. but my boss called the director and told her some things in our situation had changed and we wanted to know if there was room for hiba.

so, fast forward back to today. the way that the waiting list works is it is not really a waiting list, but more of an "interested parent list" and when a spot opens up, it basically goes to whoever calls at the right moment. which this time, happened to be hiba. shortly after my boss talked to her, the director got a call from another parent of a 4-year-old pulling their child off the list. so a spot opened up for hiba. which she called to tell me. she also went on to tell me she would be happy to talk to the therapy department and get hiba signed up for o.t. and speech pragmatics. she may be able to start these therapies this summer, but definitely by august. the teacher that hiba will have in the fall is spending the summer going through a class on teaching kids with autism and strategies to use in the class room. the preschool is integrated so she will not notice that she is "different", but the teachers are all trained to be aware of individual needs and work really hard to help. and, it's literally right below my office. it's pretty much the best situation that we could think of right now.

and then i started thinking back. in november, hiba had her initial evaluation at the dennis center. then she started therapy to help with transitions and anxiety. and then they suggested an o.t. evaluation and a full team evaluation. i was a little overwhelmed and started looking for a place that did o.t. evals that our insurance would pay for. and the only place that i had heard of that did pediatric o.t. was easter seals. so i got hiba an evaluation there. and while i was browsing around on their website, i thought i would look at job openings. and there was one that looked interesting, but i didn't think i would get it. but i applied anyway, and i did get it. and hiba continued therapy and the full team evaluation got closer and i started making connections. and then we got the diagnosis and i have a great team of co-workers around me willing to help out and help us figure this out. i work in a field that is full of information that will be helpful to us, both now and in the future.  before i got the job at easter seals, i applied for several others. i didn't even get to interview for any. jobs i knew i would be good at. jobs i thought i was plenty qualified for. but now i see that God had a plan. he knew where we would be on may 31 and where i needed to be to make things work well for our family. He knew. and He still knows. i don't know what next year will be like. i don't know what hiba will be like in five years. i don't know the best decisions to make for her between now and then. but He does. and it's so great to be reminded of that all just the right time. 

the day the world changed

*the following post was written a few weeks ago, at the beginning of this journey. it's taken a while to work through the information and be ready to share this part of our life. but here goes...* 

may 31, 2012.

it was so hard to get out of the house this morning. so stressful. even though we were leaving an hour later than normal. it always seems to go like that. no matter how many minutes you have, you use every single one of them. or at least i do. and i end up stressed at the end no matter what.

i dropped matthias off for his first day of preschool by himself. we had gone over it the night before. he would go to preschool, just like normal, and hiba would have a doctor appointment. he would be a big boy and go all by himself and play with friends and learn, just like normal. he did great - no crying. and hiba did great staying in the car and not getting stressed out about doing things differently. we had gone over the plan a few times though, so she was ready for it, too. plus, she loves dr. liz and going to her appointments, so she was excited. we told her she would get to meet some of dr. liz's friends and play with them so she would be ready for the appointment to go differently than her previous therapy sessions.

hiba and i drove over to ualr to pick jason up from the gym. we were a few minutes early, so i used it to play temple run on my kindle. i'm way more awesome at it on my kindle than i was on my phone. and it's easier for hiba to watch me play, which she loves to do. so i even let hiba sit in the front seat and watch. but pretty soon, jason came, so off to the dennis development center we went.

we'd been there tons before. hiba had an initial developmental assessment last november. they recommended therapy to help with transitions and stress, but didn't mention anything big. so we started therapy twice a month, then once a month, and things seemed to be going well. i learned how to deal with hiba. hiba learned how to deal with the world. we learned how to deal with each other. but our therapist still wanted to do a full team evaluation with her, because there were still concerns. little things here and there. the ways she tells stories. the things she does with her fingers when she's talking. her high level of anxiety. small things that all added up to a little concern.

so here we were. a whole day thing. more questions about how she acts. is she strubron? does she seeek friendships? does she talk to people? does she throw temper tantrums? is she upset by change? is she suck in her ways? is she aggressive? can she sit still? is she normal?

that last question wasn't really asked, but i felt like it was. and i just couldn't answer it. i don't have any other four-year-olds, so i don't know what is normal. i think some things she does is concerning, but is it? am i just paranoid? is this all in my head? jason told me not to be stressed out, there are no wrong answers. but i said he is wrong. i don't want to give her autism by checking the wrong box.

hiba was taken back for testing. intelligence, language development, social skills, play skills, emotional intelligence. jason and i got to spend a lot of time in the waiting room. i got super awesome at playing temple run. three new high scores. we played reversi, which i always almost won each time but then got distracted and made a bad move, so then i lost terribly. we watched parts of old disney movies that they had playing on the lobby t.v. i wondered what they were doing with hiba. what she was saying. what they were thinking.

and then the moment came. she was done with her testing. they were done asking us questions. they had gone through some of the results, so they just had to score the last thing they did with hiba. they said it would take about twenty minutes for them to talk to get all the results and evaluation together. it was a good forty-five minutes before they called us back. is this good or bad? i had no idea.

jason and i walked into the room. there they all were, sitting across from us, with their little notebooks, tests, assessments, evaluations, notes. with all the answers. holding hiba's future in front of them. they started talking. she has a high iq. she is super smart. she knows big words. she knows how to use language to articulate her ideas. she can give directions. she is amazing at learning and soaking up new information. she has trouble reciprocating conversations. she has trouble engaging in small talk. she is stressed out by transitions. things need to be done on her terms. she has a hard time realizing others thoughts and feelings my be different than her own.

yes, yes. i know all these things. so what? what does this mean? i ask if this is atypical.

and then it starts. they all kind of sigh. they look at the main doctor. she starts talking. she explains theory of self. the idea that others have distinct feelings and thoughts different than your own. she explains that hiba has a very high iq and is very high functioning, so she has a high individual bar to mean. she explains that even if she didn't have such a high bar, most kids develop this by age 2 1/2.

my heart starts beating faster. i know where this is going. she has asperger-like tendencies, but is too young for a diagnosis so they want to tag that on her, keep with therapy, and then evaluate in a year. right? that's what i was prepared for.

but i really had no idea.

"based on everything we've seen and done...blah blah blah...high functioning autism...blah blah blah".

autism.

autism.

autism.

the word keeps echoing in my head. it's all i can do to keep looking at them, keep nodding like i am paying attention. like what they are saying makes sense to me. i try to swallow the lump in my throat. i try not to look at jason because i don't know how i will hold it in if we make eye contact. i try to just keep nodding.

high functioning. even, highest functioning. (although i know that's not a real thing).

the good news is that she is super high functioning. her intelligence is high. she can learn. she can learn the behaviors and social cues that she is not picking up naturally. she can learn to deal with transitions. she can learn to play with others. she can learn to have reciprocal relationships. but it all has to be learned. because she has autism.

they keep saying high functioning. as if that will make it better. but it doesn't. not yet, anyway. because all those behaviors, all those difficulties she has socially, all that anxiety - that's real. and it's here to stay. she won't grow out of it. she may (and hopefully will) learn to manage it. but it's here. it's who she is. it's who we are. it's here to stay.

they hand us packets of information. they give us websites to look at. they give us sympathetic glances, pats on the back and say to call if we need anything, if they can do anything to help. we say we will. we take the information and go home. hiba falls asleep in the car on the way to get matthias. poor girl, she is so tired. i just keep looking at her. 

autism.

we're not sure what the next step is. i guess go home, read a lot, and start getting services. probably some group play therapy, probably o.t., probably continuing therapy to help with transitions, stress, etc. we're not sure what this means for hiba and how she will grow up, but we do know that she is the same girl tonight that she was this morning when she woke up. now we just know how to better help her develop, learn, and cope with life - something that all parents want to know for their kids. we know that her behaviors are a part of who she is, and now we want to help her live with the way that her precious little brain is working. 

i know that peace will come. we will learn what to do with this new part of life. we'll be overwhelmed with all of the information, but then we'll figure this out. God knows what he is doing. he gave us hiba for a reason. he made me her mommy, jason her daddy, and made her to be our little girl. she is a gift from God. she is perfect the way she is. it will be ok. autism is not the end of the world. but it is something that no parent wants to actually hear, and it'll take a while to sink in and get use do. but she's still hiba. and always will be. 

two weeks.

well, it's been almost two weeks as a working mom. i love the job. i think that we made a good choice. but life is different. obviously. mostly, everything just takes a little more effort.

what i've given up:
-hours and hours of watching my kids play together
-homemade spaghetti sauce
-alone time
-hours of trashy t.v.
-sleep

what i haven't given up:
-hugs and kisses and more hugs and kisses from hiba and matthias when i am home
-family dinners
-reading books and playing with my kids when i can
-hour of trashy t.v. (watching gossip girl the news right now)
-a tidy house
-girls' nights out
-date nights

and i'm sure there's more to come. but - so far, so good.

the week thus far (in short note form)

sunday: day before i start my job. trying to get everything ready for that. (babysitter - check. grocery shopping - check. laundry - check. bedrooms cleaned - check. ideas for the kids this week - check. coffee set on delay brew - check.) hear the news that jason's uncle (his dad's younger brother) has passed away.

monday: i start work. orientation begins at 7:30 a.m. jason closes at work. he's not home till after 11 p.m. i survive my day, even get some cleaning and house stuff done in the evenings, as well as a few hours of trash tv shows. awesome. think this will be easy managable. i stay up way too late waiting for jason to get home.

tuesday: first day of real work. i love it. a little more overwhelming, but the good kind of overwhelming. jason goes to the doctor and finds out he has nerve damage in his shoulder/neck/arm. still no feeling in half of a finger. no rugby for two weeks. thunderstorms cancel rugby practice, so jason's home for the evening. i get housework and dinner done again, think i'm getting the hang of this. jason and i stay up way too late hanging out and playing farkle. we toss around the idea of him going to new york for his uncle's funeral, but mostly decide he won't.

wednesday: second day of real work. i am exhausted. still really excited about the job. kids are doing well. a very loving and generous friend offers airline miles to jason. flight booked for thursday through late late saturday night. i'm glad he gets to go, but a little overwhelmed at the idea of being home with them alone this week. should definitely go to bed early, but instead have girls night in at jenny's with wine and sushi, but no early bedtime.

thursday: good day at work. i think i'm learning a lot and have figured out a lot of what i will be doing. haven't actually done anything yet, but we're getting there. get a call from the preschool that we were planning on having hiba and matthias start in april for them to tell me that they actually won't have an opening for hiba until may. but matthias has a space. bang my head on my desk. jason leaves for new york after coming home to frantically pack and give good-bye hugs and kisses. i immediately put in a pick-up order at pei wei and make the kids pbj for dinner. no attempt at housework or a real dinner. helped hiba clean up her room, let her play on my kindle, and promptly forgot she was still up since she was so quiet.

so now we're up to friday. (well, almost). one more day of work and then the whole weekend. there is a home rugby game we might go to if the weather is nice even though jason won't be there. there are parks and the library and the trolley - lots of fun stuff. there is also the couch and yo gabba gabba on netflix. we'll see what wins out. and jason will be back for sunday, so we can survive till then and then start a whole new week after that. hopefully week with less chaos, more consistency, a little bit of noramal. although i have a feeling that all of those words aren't going to apply to our lives for a while.

thank goodness that super grammy is coming to the rescue on monday!

one day down.

well, we survived today.

at least i think we did - jason is actually still at work, so we'll see when he gets home. haha.

it was actually a pretty easy day (again, at least from my perspective). jason has been closing most monday nights, so he was home with the kids this morning. the preschool they will be going to doesn't have a spot for them until the beginning of april, so the girl that has been watching them while i was at estem, christina, is coming to our house each day this week. so today, it was just a half day for her, which is basically what the kids were used to. so except that i was gone all morning, it was a relatively normal day for them. we'll see how they do tomorrow, when jason and i will both be working all day.

my workday was just orientation - general company info, paperwork, procedures, paperwork, rules, paperwork, and then more paperwork. so i didn't do anything that really pertains to my job, but i am still excited about it. i think that easter seals will be a really great place to work, and then little bit that i did learn about what i will be doing is pretty exciting to me.

and this evening was great too. the kids were in great moods, they were happy to see me, i was happy to see them, i was motivated to get the "home" things done. so the playroom is picked up, dishes in the dishwasher, kitchen straightened, bathrooms cleaned, kids bathed, bedtime stories read, and matthias is in bed. pretty good, if i do say so myself.

so, we'll see how tomorrow goes. tomorrow will be our first real day - both jason and i working all day, the kids with someone else the whole time, my job actually starting. i'm excited. optimistic about how this will work, still a little nervous, and quite curious to see how life is going to keep changing. i'll let you know how it goes!

my busy, busy week

so, you might be wondering what i have been up to all week. (i know you all deeply care about my every move. so of course you have been wondering...). well, wonder no more. i have been spring cleaning.

yep, that's right. every day, a different room. deep cleaning. it has made me realize that i need to do that more than just the spring. we aren't really gross or anything - i straighten and sweep and vacuum on a regular basis. and i wipe off any surfaces i can see. the problem is that i'm really short.

anyway....so spring cleaning. and i was actually motivated because i had to get it done this week. why? well, glad you asked.

because on monday, i start my new job! yep, you read that right. new job. full time. like a real, grown-up, go-to-work-everyday, this-is-what-i-want-to-do-when-i-grow-up type of job.

i am so excited about it. i will be working at easter seals in their waiver services program. i'll be doing part-time case management and part-time staff supervising. i'm excited about the challenge, i'm excited to be doing something that i think i will love, i'm excited that i got a real job that uses my degree that i don't have to go back to school for, i'm excited about interacting with adults on a regular basis. basically pretty excited.

i am more sad about the thought of not staying home than i thought i would be. i am ready for the change. i think that hiba and matthias will do well in pre-school and i think it will be good for them in a lot of ways. hiba is super excited about starting pre-school and matthias really has no clue about what is going on in life, so i haven't worried too much about telling him. we found a place really close to our house that is small and jason and i both like it, so i am excited to see how they do there.

it was a kind of hard decision. i have not been happy about staying home with the kids for a while. and it wasn't really getting better as they are getting older. i mean, there are days that i have loved, but overall - not my favorite. and jason was really great about understanding that. so we thought about it, prayed about it, talked about it, prayed about it some more and decided that this is a good decision for our family right now. it was hard. but something that i feel really good about, and i think (obviously i can't read his thoughts) jason feels really good about.

so, back to me. i applied for this job awhile back, when jason was gone for the weekend on one of his rugby trips. i applied for a lot of jobs that weekend. it was a long time of just me and the kids. so, a few weeks passed, i hadn't heard back from most of them (i didn't really expect to, mostly just practicing and polishing my resume), so i had kind of figured i would finish at estem this semester, which would be great, and look for something over the summer. and then easter seals called. and wanted to interview me. and then wanted to hire me. and actually offered me a different job than i even really applied for, because i am just that awesome. haha. (we'll see how awesome i am once i actually start working....ha.)

so, i start on monday. our life will drastically change on monday. a change that i am excited about. a change that i am nervous about. a change that i am very unsure about, yet so positive it is a good change at the same time. exciting stuff. scary stuff. crazy stuff.

so today, i clean the bedrooms. and then i'm done. yesterday was my last day at estem, so after the bedrooms are clean, i'm ready to go to work full-time. or at least the house will be clean and ready for me to go to work. and that means i'm ready too....right? 

two years

last year, i was pretty much a wreck. i functioned and i like to think that i fooled a lot of people into thinking that i was doing great with this whole life transition thing. but the truth is, i was not. between november 5 and november 17, all of my thoughts were consumed by what we were doing a year ago that day. i would spend hours every day looking at pictures from our time in palestine, facebook stalking our old friends, not talking to people about all this, and just being really sad. looking back at my blog, you can see that i was really obsessed with the whole "moving on" theme from matthias' birthday through the end of the year.

and i think it was good for me. not the whole bottling-it-up-and-not-talking-about-it or facebook-picture-stalking things, but it's good to process, good to mourn, and good to move on. i definitely could have found more healthy ways to mourn, but it was important for me to process everything that had happened a year before.

yesterday was november 17. the day we left palestine. and i didn't even realize that until in the evening when someone asked me how long we had been back in the US. i had quite a full day - we had a big thanksgiving dinner for teen mops, so i was busy decorating, cooking, making sure all the details were taken care of. i had to take matthias to the doctor in the morning to make sure he doesn't have asthma (he doesn't). i spent the evening at teen mops, hanging out with teen moms and my other mentor friends, making sure everyone got enough food and had a great time.

thoughts of sadness, thoughts of missing palestine, thoughts of wishing for our old life - these thoughts didn't consume me. when i realized that it was november 17, i had a twinge of sadness, a moment of thinking back. but that's all it was. thinking back. which i think is appropriate. we've been here two years. and i finally really feel like we are here. or at least i am.

it's taken me a long time to get here. almost two years, in fact. and it feels good. it feels good that i can look back over by past blog posts and not burst into tears, but really be happy remembering our time in palestine. it feels good to have friends that we can have over, have playdates with, have birthday parties with - friends that i actually really like instead of thinking of how i miss our old friend. it feels good to have a church that jason and i are both excited about instead of thinking about how great our "not-church" group was in palestine. it feels good to be involved in groups that we love, both the work and the people involved, instead of thinking of how awesome paidia was.

so all this to say, i still do miss palestine. i will always miss it. i will always be sad that we had to leave in the way we did, that we had to leave our great friends, that we had to leave the place both our kids were born, that we had to leave the work we were doing. but i also am finally able to say that i am here. and i like being here. and thoughts of being there don't ruin my ability to be here. which i think is pretty good for me. 

wisdom and letting go

ok, so here are a few reverb10 prompts. maybe one day i'll catch up....

Wisdom. What was the wisest decision you made this year, and how did it play out?

i think the wisest decision i made was that i can't do everything. so i need to pick what i love, and stick with that. at the beginning of this semester, i was involved in two moms groups, an exercise class, teen mops, a bible study, the leadership for mops and teen mops, and a kid-swap day. and that doesn't even begin to include grocery shopping, laundry, reading books to my kids, building with legos, spending time with jason, going to rugby games. it was fun for a while, but it got to be too much. i was so tired all the time and not enjoying any of it.

so i've cut a lot out. i'm still in the process of cutting things out, deciding what is really important, what i really want to be involved in, and how involved i want to be. but it's getting much better and we're not just go-g0-going allllllll the time.

11 Things: What are 11 things your life doesn’t need in 2011? How will you go about eliminating them? How will getting rid of these 11 things change your life?

1. so much to do. this will be done by cutting back the activities that i'm actively a part of, as talked about above.

2. baby weight. matthias is 15 months old - i can't really use "i just had a baby" as an excuse anymore. healthy eating and and healthy lifestyle will help this. i think it'll make me happier and also, i'll have a lot more pants i can wear.

3. flip-flops. i have way too many. and i don't even really wear them, they just take up space in my closet and make me feel good about having stuff. i think i'll give them away. i don't know that it will change my life, but it will make me a little less materialistic.

4. fast food. well, ok - i'm not going to eliminate this completely because i love me some chickfila, but i could definitely cut down on my trips there. and to sonic. i go mostly when i am feeling lazy and don't want to fix lunch for my kids, so planning ahead will help. which brings me to number 5....

5. laziness. i know that i work hard. i know that staying at home with two kids is hard work. but i think that i use that as an excuse a lot. it keeps me from doing housework, playing with them, doing fun things with jason, being involved in things outside of the house. and really, it come down to that i am choosing to be lazy. i know when i suck it up and work harder at life, i'm a happier person.

6. clothes. i have a closet full of clothes i never wear. they are just taking up space and i'm sure someone else could actually use them.

7. my to-do list for the house. eliminating this would mean that it was actually done and we would be living in a house that i love. that would be nice.

8. yelling. i yell at my kids way too much. i'm trying to literally take a breath before answering them sometimes or counting to five in my head. i know those are things you tell little kids to do - you think i would've learned this by now.

9. selfishness.

10. discontentment.

11. judging. these last three are traits that i see way too much in myself. it would be great to eliminate them, although i'm not sure that's a realistic goal. but i will strive to follow Jesus more each day, which will lead to selflessness, contenetment, and unconditional love - as much as that is possible on this side of heaven.

so pretty much all of these things will just make my life fuller. they are excess, things i don't need - be it physical, emotional, spiritual - and my life will be better without them. they will take a conscious effort each day, but eliminating them is not out of my reach.

moving on....

so, some big changes in our life. well, really just one - we're leaving palestine on nov. 16. yes, like in eleven days.

we had an appointment to extend our visas through december last week. we really weren't worried about it and figured that since we have a one-way ticket to leave in two months, they would give us the extension. well, we were denied. and they gave us two weeks to leave. so, we either have to overstay our visa or leave by nov. 16.

the problem with overstaying our visa is that when we leave, we would probably get blacklisted and not allowed into israel/palestine for at least five years. before we actually got denied, we had said we were just going to stay no matter what. but when we actually had the decision to make and thought through the actual consequences, we realized that we should probably leave. so after a night of prayer and talking it through, we've decided that leaving is the right thing to do.

so, in less than two weeks we'll be back in the US. it's a very bitter-sweet decision. on the one hand, we only had another six weeks after that anyway, so it's not so hard to say good-bye. plus we're going back to family and friends and the comforts of living in our home country. but on the other hand, we have a very short time to say good-bye to our friends and "family" here, people who we have spent the last three years of our life with, the place where we have started our family. not to mention all the stuff we have to do in order to actually leave in less than two weeks.

we'll try to keep everyone updated as we make decisions. we're looking forward to finding out what is next for us....

who the heck is this guy?!? -by hiba

on tuesday, i woke up and it was a normal day. me, mama, dada, and mama's belly named matthias. i was the center of the world (obviously) and everything was fine and dandy. mama seemed a little busy all day, packing lots of different bags and making lots of lists. but she always makes lists, so no big deal.

in the afternoon, i went over to rachel's. i like rachel, so this was fine. i got to ride in her car, which has a radio and i got to have pizza for dinner. i slept at her house, which was kind of strange, but it was fun. i talked in my sleep a lot about mama and dada - i guess i missed them.

then, everything changed. dada came to pick me up from rachel's and instead of taking me to daycare, he took me to where mama was. they called it the hospital. she looked different. matthias was gone and instead of her belly, there was a baby that they kept calling matthias. but i don't know what happened, because i thought matthias was her belly. and she was holding the baby and kissing him. she tried to kiss me too, but i wouldn't let her. i tried to leave the room, but dada wouldn't let me. so then i tried to throw a fit to get attention, but they just kept looking at the baby. then they tried to get me to sit by mama, but i didn't want to. not until she got rid of the other baby. but, none of this seemed to be making them happy, so after a while i decided to try to be nice to the baby. so i gave him a kiss and sat on mama's bed with them. she gave me hugs and kisses too, so i know she still loves me.

thursday morning when i woke up, mama still wasn't home. this was not really ok with me. so i was a little cranky. but then i got to go to daycare, where everyone loves me. this is because i'm the cutest. when dada came to pick me up, mama was in the car! i was so happy to see her! finally, everything would be back to normal. and then....that baby was in the car too!!! what?!?! why was he following us?!? what is the deal? he came home with us and he got to hang out with mama while i had to take a nap. this was not cool. i was not happy at all.

so now it's friday and he's still here. i am starting to like him. i know that baby matthias is not mama's tummy, but my new baby brother. i like to say "baby" a lot, because i like him. but i don't like to sleep because i'm afraid that there will be another baby getting all up in my space when i wake up, or mama and dada will be gone again. and i don't like sharing my toys with anyone. and i don't really like it when mama or dada holds baby matthias. but i'm getting used to it. i guess i have to, because it doesn't look like he's leaving any time soon.

Matthias Edward

our son was born on tuesday. i'm very glad he's here. i'm also very glad to not be pregnant anymore. so here's the story...

two weeks ago, my doctor told me that i might have to be induced early because my fluid level was low. now, as much as i didn't like the idea of being induce, i liked the idea of not being pregnant even more and kind of got excited about this idea. and while i had originally geared myself up mentally to be overdue, like i was with hiba, the glimmer of hope he gave me made all those patient thoughts fly right out the window. but, when i went back to the doctor the next week, he said everything looked fine and we could wait. great....so then, he did a little procedure that was makes 90% of women go into labor naturally within 48 hours, so i still had a little hope. however, i realized that this time around i fall into the elite 10%.

so after a long week of waiting and nothing happening, i went back to the dr. on tuesday, which was my due date. by this time i felt overdue, huge, and uncomfortable so we had decided that as long as the doctor said everything looked good and healthy, i would check into the hospital and have them break my water to put me into labor. so, that's what we did.

i checked into the hospital around 5 p.m. it was dinner time, so they let me eat (which i actually appreciated because otherwise i would have been starving during labor) and then took me up to the delivery room. the doctor on duty came in at 6:35 and broke my water. he said he'd be back in 2 hours to check on me and if hard labor hadn't started by then, he'd give me some medicine to speed things up.

he never made it back.

matthias was born at 8 p.m. yes, 1 hour and 25 minutes later. it was pretty intense. i had a great midwife and a wonderful husband to help me through. matthias was 4.27 kilos or 9 lbs. 7 oz. - quite a big little guy. he is healthy and doing great - so far he basically sleeps and eats. it's pretty crazy that we're a family of four now, but we're all excited (well, hiba's not too excited, but that's another post for another day) and can't wait to see what the future holds for us.

matthias edward pollack, sept. 15, 2009