Saturday, December 18

matthias and the next step

i have been sick for the last week. which would normally be a great time to curl up in bed with a cup of tea, a heavy dose of medicine, and reverb away. however, in reality i was stuck at home with hiba and matthias, trying to not throw them out the window because my meds were not working no matter how much or what i took. so, no blogging got done. but now i'm better and want to start reverbing again. so here we go.

This year, when did you feel the most integrated with your body? Did you have a moment where there wasn’t mind and body, but simply a cohesive YOU, alive and present?
the thing that immediately came to mind was matthias' birth. i know it was in 2009, but i feel like anything from his birth forward was this year, because it all runs together in my mind. he was born in 1 1/2 hours. for those of you who don't know anything about the birthing experience, that was fast. i think most people would say a 4 or 5 hour labor would be a short labor. and as great as it was that it happened quickly and wasn't drawn out, it was awful. it was so painful, because it was all natural. not so much by choice, but because i didn't have time to get any pain meds. when it was happening, it did not seem like i was there, but my body just took over and got the job done.

and then all of a sudden, there was a little baby laying on me. he had big eyes and looked just like his sister. at that moment, just for a brief second, all the pain seemed to wash away and i was just there, holding jason's hand and holding my son. it only lasted a moment, but it was a wonderful moment.

Action: When it comes to aspirations, it’s not about ideas. It’s about making ideas happen. What’s your next step?

i don't know.

this is mostly because i don't know what my aspirations are. i mean, i know i want to be a good wife, a good mom, a good friend, yada yada yada. but i have been thinking a lot lately about what else i want to be, what else i want to do.

jason is interested in homeschooling our children. i am very open to the idea of them being homeschooled, but i have zero interest in doing the homeschooling. right now, i am counting down the days until i do not have to be at home all day with my kids. i mean, i love them and all, but....yeah. anyway, jason has said that he will homeschool them, which is great, but it means that i would have to get a job that could support our family. and as much as i loved jbu, a b.s. in family and human services doesn't pay so much.

so, i have been thinking recently about going back to school. the problem is one, i don't know exactly what i want to go back for and two, i hate school. so problem one - i'm thinking either a masters in social work (which wouldn't really solve the whole get-a-job-that-supports-my-family problem), rehabilitation counseling (which is only offered by online classes at ualr and i'm not the most self-motivated student), or occupational therapy (which is at uca, a thirty minute drive from here, and i would need to take a bunch of science classes before i could start the program). problem two - i think i would enjoy school, or at least tolerate it, if i wasn't taking gen ed classes. i worked way harder in classes for my major when i was at jbu than i did in gen ed, so i've pretty much convinced myself it wouldn't be too bad.

so now to answer the prompt - making these ideas happen. well, i need to get on that. first, i need to decide if i really want to put the work, energy, time, and money into going back to school. i think i do. i think jason is supportive of this. but we need to decide for sure. second, i need to decide what i want to do. i need to start taking the classes i need to get into these programs. i can do a lot of them online or over the summer, so i have this semester to kind of figure it out. i need to take the g.e.d., which based on practice questions won't be that hard, but i just need to do it. the plan is pretty simple - mostly i need to just start moving.

so my next step? spend christmas break really researching these different programs, talking through the ideas with jason, praying about if and what degree i should go after. and then talk to the schools as soon as the semester starts so i can actually start moving towards the goal of going back to school.


SLM said...

rehab counseling sounds good - nonprofits and local/state budgets are being cut drastically so social workers are lucky to have a job while doing the work of 3 people who were laid off and not replaced,for a barely living wage in some cities. our daughter has Masters and won International APA award plus several years experience and told us 5 of her friends with only HS diploma earn alot more than her, yet she's the one (therapist to troubled teens) who is senior in her office under the site manager, responsible for the internship program, then literally gets hair pulled, office trashed, punched and kicked by court ordered clients in chicago.

sarah said...

yeah - i'm definitely leaning away from social work for those reasons. but having a msw gives you such a wide variety of things you can do. i know rehab counseling and ot do too though - and they pay waaaaaay better.