fear and safety

warning: this is not a very up-beat post. i've been meaning to write this for about a week, and finally found the time to sit down and do it. it's not nearly as fun as talking about hiba and matthias or food or fun things we do, but this is life, so hear goes....

about two weeks ago, a student at UALR went missing. in broad daylight. she left her house at 8:45 a.m. and never made it to her 10 a.m. class. her car was found in a burger king parking lot, where students park every day. a very busy parking lot. with lots of people and businesses around. no one had seen her or knew what happened. her body was found a few days later.

it's a tragic story. there are a lot of unanswered questions and the last i heard, there are no suspects. but the thing about this story for me is that it happened in my neighborhood.

the parking lot where her car was found is a five minute walk from my house. i don't walk in that area often, but now i won't. since there are no leads or suspects, or at least none that the police are sharing with the public, even walking in my neighborhood makes me nervous. i know that patricia and i have very different lives and just because something happened to her doesn't mean it will happen to me. but it's scary. which is a very sad, conflicting feeling for me.

jason and i have never been ones to shy away from "dangerous" situations. we moved to palestine days after the 2006 war between israel and lebenon. we actually boarded the plane to fly into tel aviv the day a ceasefire was agreed upon. we lived in palestine for three and a half years, including during the time that hamas took over the gaza strip and the israeli war on gaza. our kids were born there and i had no reservations about raising them there. even though it seemed dangerous to others, we never were really afraid. yes, there were times that we were nervous. but after those isolated incidents were over, there was no fear. i never thought the israeli military would come arrest us in the middle of the night. i never thought a building that we were living in would be demolished. i never thought we would be kidnapped by hamas. i knew that if any real threat was upon us, our friends would help take care of us. so it wasn't really scary.

when we moved back to the US, we wanted to live in a place that others might not choose to live. when we bought our house, we knew it wasn't in the nicest neighborhood, but we knew it wasn't in the worst. we believed (and still do) that God was calling us to live in area that we could make a positive difference simply by living there. we want to do more than just live here, but it's a good start in how we can impact the community around us. we didn't have a strong community to come with us, so we chose a place in the middle - not great, not the "safest", but not really scary. our neighborhood is quiet, has a lot of families, and a lot of people own their houses. a few streets over though, different story. which is the burger king is.

jason and i probably have a different theology of safety than a lot of people that we know. his life motto is "better sorry than safe". we both believe that God ever promises us safety. He promises he will be with us, that He will never leave us, but He never promises us we'll be safe. quite the opposite in fact. so i don't think it's appropriate for me to expect a safe, cushy life. i don't think it's appropriate for our family to shy away from danger. because that is not the life that Jesus has called us to.

but now that's changed.

now that "danger" is real. now that fear is growing every day in my mind. now, when i see someone walking down the street, i think "i wonder if he did it". when i hear a noise, i think "are my doors locked?". when it's a beautiful day, i think "i don't really feel comfortable taking a walk around my neighborhood because what if something happens". when i know that jason is walking home from the UALR gym, i think "he left five minutes ago. he should be home by now. i wonder if i should call the police?". every time i hear sirens, i think "i wonder if they caught someone. i wonder where they live". so i lock my doors, i stay inside, i don't meet the new neighbors, i read the news obsessively hoping for answers.

i still believe that this is where God has called us to live. i still believe we should be doing a better job of hanging out with people in our neighborhood. i still believe that God's promise to be with me is way better than if He had promised me i would always be safe. i still believe that we should not pass on a theology of fear, but rather a theology of love and sacrifice to our kids.

but it's a lot harder to say that and write that nowadays. two weeks ago, i would have given you a long lecture. now i half-heartedly say this is how we're called to live, while secretly looking for houses online. two weeks ago i would have invited you to rent the house next door. now, i think you probably wouldn't want to.

fear can be a crippling thing. the thing is, it's almost based on some sort of reality. but how i respond is my choice. i can let the fear rule over me, stay home, avoid the park, avoid the neighbors, be suspicious of everyone i see. or i can rest in the knowledge that God is good. He is with me. He will never leave me. He will never leave my children. He never left Patricia. in the middle of fear, sadness, doubt, confusion - He is there.

Theft in Beit Sahour

Last April, when Sarah and I were still working at the House of Hope, we bought a small scooter. A Sym Superduke 125. I have primarily been using that as my way of getting around town, while Sarah uses our car. Typically, we are very careful to lock it up at night so it will not get stolen, however, there were some crafty thieves that came by the other night and were able to make off with it.

This is kind of like my scooter, except it is in much better shape and mine is much less fuzzy looking.

Friday night after we realized the theft had occurred we went to the police station to file a report. We were forced to do this entirely in Arabic, since no one at the station spoke English. We left the station expecting never to see the Superduke again, but we were wrong.

On Monday morning the Police called my house before I went to work and told me that they had found the bike. I couldn't really understand his responses when I asked what condition the bike was in and where they found it. I soon learned.

Apparently, the thieves had decided to go for a joy ride after breaking the plastic cover from the front of the bike and hot-wiring it. They then popped the rear inner tube, crashed into a ditch, and then ran off with the battery and one of the side panels. When I first saw what had happened to the bike I thought it wasn't even mine. The problems:

Battery was gone
Ignition cables were cut
Left side panel was gone
Front panel was broken
Rear panel and light fixture was broken
Rear tire was flat

Fortunately, the bike still ran and I was able to get it to my mechanic's shop, where it still sits. We are still working on getting all the parts that I need and I am certain that we won't figure out who did it (not that it really matters). The situation is a pain, but it certainly could have turned out much worse. There were also an number of positives that came out of the situation.

The ability to practice Arabic in a sink-or-swim situation and in testing new vocabulary (speaking with the police and with the mechanics has been great practice and a very new kind of practice).

A new friend (Musa) from the mechanic shop.

The ridiculously kind response from the community: We had our scooter stolen 4 days ago. In those 4 days, we have had 2 policemen, a taxi driver, a mechanic, and one random lady stop us on the street to apologize or express regret for what happened. It is so incredible to see the way that people have responded to this. Overall, I still prefer that it wouldn't have happened. But it did. And considering that, I think the whole thing turned out pretty well.

P.S. Please, please pray for the Annapolis Conference that starts today. I know there is not much optimism around this event, but good could come from it, as could evil.

Fire!

I don't know if any of you noticed this story in the news, but earlier this week someone broke into our church in Jerusalem and tried to burn it down. Fortunately, the damage that was done was relatively minor. A lot of chairs were destroyed, along with the sound system and some musical instruments. No one was hurt and there was no structural damage to the building. In fact, we were able to have our service there this morning.

Even though the walls were still black and the air still smelled like smoke, we had a pretty awesome time of prayer and worship during the middle of the service. The congregation that Sarah and I belong to is actually a Baptist congregation that is pretty buttoned-down. However, during the middle of the singing at the beginning, folks just started shouting out prayers and praises to God, some people started singing and clapping. It was a pretty cool experience, in my opinion anyway. It was one of those moments when God kind of steps in and takes over what was meant to be an orderly and planned out worship service. I think we need a lot more of that and I hope that today will be the beginning of a new practice of listening to and responding to the leading of God, even if it messes up our plans. I know I could do a much better job of that than I do.

In much more disturbing news. I know some of you already know about this, but perhaps not everyone heard, a young Palestinian Christian from Gaza named Rami was killed a few weeks ago on his way home from work. It appears to be the work of Islamic extremists, but we don't really know yet. Please pray for his family and for Gazan Christians. Please also pray for Rami's attackers and for those who attacked the Church. Pray that God will bless them and enrich their lives, and please pray that Jesus will call them to himself.

I should also point out that in both of the above instances, the vast majority of Muslims and Jewish people have been loving and supporting toward those who have been hurt by minority groups within their own religion. Praise God for such love. It has done a lot to maintain peace and prevent the desire for vengeance and retribution. Thank you guys for your prayers.

Jason