Thursday, October 13

the daily grind

i am tired. exhausted. worn out. stretched thin. any of those could describe me pretty well these days. it seems like the chores just never end. everywhere i look there are piles of laundry to be folded, lesson plans to be written, rugs to vacuum, dished to be washed, dinner to be made, floors to get the point. i feel like the last few weeks, my time has been so consumed with these daily tasks that i haven't had time to rest or enjoy life. which is one reason i haven't blogged lately - all i have to write about is complaining about life. (not like this post....).

a good measure of how rested i am is how much tv i get to watch and how much i do with the kids outside of running errands. i have three episodes of grey's, two episodes of desperate housewives, all of this season of 30 rock, and two episodes of the office that i haven't watched. the last twenty viewed videos on our netflix are either yo gabba gabba or dora. those were not my choices. i've never been the kind of mom who takes my kids on lots of spontaneous outings, but i do sometimes and i do plan things a lot. i can count on zero hands the number of times we've been to the library or the park or the zoo or really anywhere that is not called kroger, target, or walmart in the last three weeks.

i'm even not enjoying things that i usually do enjoy. our babysitter that i had for work had to quit two weeks ago, which has made working a bigger chore than it may be work. luckily, i have great friends who took my kids for play dates the first week and a friend who is watching them this week. but i means nap-time is moved up (which is usually a failure - for example, i can hear matthias right now and he is not asleep. probably not even on his bed), and the "work time" is added on to because of driving. fingers crossed that i'll hire someone to come here by next week. teen mops has been going for four weeks and i'm starting to dread each week. ok, maybe that's a little dramatic too, but it's so much work and it's been hard to see any positive pay-off with the girls this year, so it's hard. i love planning for it, but by the time thursday night rolls around i just want to sit and watch tv and drink a glass of wine. even writing this blog right now isn't my first choice of how to spend my time. everyday life is sucking the joy and fun out of everything. yes. dramatic.

i know i make choices that form the way my life is. our family makes choices. jason makes choices. i make choices. some choices i love and wouldn't change, no matter how hard it is. some i tolerate and am able to see the greater good. some i'm not so happy about, but i'm trying to stick it out before giving up. but right now it feels like day to day life isn't a choice so much as a list of things to do before crashing on my bed at night.

i have lots of things i want to be doing. i want to be excited about the lesson plans i'm making for my job. i just switched to 4th grade literacy which is a kajillion times better than 1st grade. i have a lot of cool ideas that i'm actually excited about. i want to be going to the zoo, playing in the leaves, going to a pumpkin patch, going to the library with my kids. i want to be taking pictures of them playing together and making photo books so i don't forget this stage of their life (no matter how much i want to some days. ha.). i want to be writing more blog posts - bragging on my kids, more stories from china, writing about where our lives are and aren't headed, sharing fun recipes.

so what's the point? i don't know. i don't know how to make the daily chores go away or be more manageable. i don't know how to be more rested. i don't know how to make more time for myself without ignoring all the things to be done. so for now, i'll keep on keeping on, knowing that some day soon hiba will be old enough to do the dishes. 

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