Friday, October 5

it doesn't make sense

i just don't get it sometimes. i don't get why things are they way they are. why hard things happen to really great people. why great things happen to people who make horrible decisions. why life doesn't make sense.

it seems like every day, i learn about a friend who desperately wants to have a child and can't. or who is so excited to have a baby and has a miscarriage. or who is adopting out of the foster system and has their child taken back.

and then i see teen moms having babies. yes, multiple. i see crappy parents getting to keep their kids. i see myself, having two kids very easily when it wasn't a decision we had to think through very hard.

and i just don't get it.

i don't write this to hear that i am a great mom, or that God gave me hiba and matthias for a reason, or anything like that. i know all of that. so please don't tell me. because that is the opposite of the point i am trying to make. i know that He must have a good plan and i am glad, although often confused, that He chose me to be their mom. but it still doesn't make sense to me. jason and i never really thought through having kids. it was just easy. and so we had two. and then we decided to not have more. and that was that, no problems, no drawn out discussions, no waiting. and to be completely honest, i don't know why we got two. i love my kids dearly, and i would not trade them, and i cannot imagine life without them (although sometimes i try to...). but, i can't help but think, i've never thought i was super cut out to be a mom. it was not the deepest desire in my heart. i am glad and thankful that it happened - and i'm not trying to be trite or make it sound like i don't love my kids or that i'm not glad now that i am a mom. i'm just staying, it wasn't what i yearned for. so why did i get two? why did i get them so easily? and why can't so many people - who i know and love, who would make wonderful parents, way better parents that i feel i am, who deeply, deeply want a baby - have one?

it does make me want to be a better mom. to love my kids better. to spend more time with them and less time watching tv. to read them more books. to pray for and with them more. to hug them more. because i do know that, for whatever crazy reason, i was given these two kids. and guilt or confusion or whatever that i got them and someone else didn't will never change that.

it won't ever make perfect sense to me, the way God works. i don't think i'll ever have the answers. i'll probably always feel inadequate, i'll probably always think someone else could be doing my job better, i'll probably always feel a little guilt when i hear about a friend who is having trouble having children, i'll probably always be really sad for them and not know what to do.

so for today, i'll weep with those who weep. i'll pray for healing, miracles, hope, peace, comfort. i'll hug my kids and try to overlook my shortcomings and trust that God knows what he's doing. and that will have to be enough for now.

No comments: