Saturday, June 30

today was hard

*the following post was written a few weeks ago, at the beginning of this journey. it's taken a while to work through the information and be ready to share this part of our life. but here goes...*

today was hard.

today, i saw her autism. a lot. i saw the anxiety in her eyes when i tried to transition her quickly. i saw the way she stands outside the play group, looking in, and wondering how to get there. i saw her meltdowns when things didn't go as planned. i saw her obsession with counting things get in the way of actually interacting.

and i also saw my shortcomings. i saw myself rushing her to bed and picking a fight instead of helping her the way she needs. i saw myself yell at her for reactions that she probably can't help. i saw myself changing plans without telling her because it was the easy thing for me to do. i saw myself ignoring matthias because all of my energy was focused on her.

but i also saw grace. i saw the way she settles herself down when i give her the space. i saw the way she talks through hard situations and articulates the particular needs she has in her head. i saw the way she explained to me what she needed and told me that she forgives me for yelling. i saw the way matthias is resilient and fits his his life into ours when we need him to. i saw how she loves to play with him and how he loves her back. i saw a glimpse of how God must feel about me every single day and i saw a lot of the grace and love that he gives me despite what i deserve.

today was hard. but it's over. and we survived. maybe by the skin of our teeth, but we survived. and now we have tomorrow. a chance to do better, a chance to learn, a chance to continue down this road. a chance for me to continue to see her autism and my shortcomings and His grace. so thank God for tomorrow. 

1 comment:

Jerusalem Greer said...

these are beautiful post my friend. they are invaluable to Hiba, Mathias and Jason and you. They will help you remember and help you tell the story better. we are praying for you and loving you all. you are all beautiful to us.