on miscommunications

i have a friend who recently said she likes to start blog posts about single subjects with "on xyz". i like it too. it makes me feel sophisticated and like i'm writing something deep and important.

so anyway, i think that in general jason and i have pretty good communication skills. we tend to be good listeners and are able to communicate our points to each other. but every once in a while, there's a little glitch.

like sunday, for example. we are in the middle of potty training hiba. on sunday, she wanted to wear underwear to church instead of her pull-up. so, we let her. jason was working in the nursery anyway, so we figured it'd be a good outing for her to be out of her pull-up. she did great - even used the bathroom there once, which is a huge deal because she's usually scared of public bathrooms - but at the end, right before we were about to leave, she peed in her pants. so, jason went to change her. i hadn't packed any extra underwear, because i figured that if she had an accident at church, she should just wear a pull-up for the rest of the time. jason thought that might be confusing for her. he told me this. i didn't really think much of his comment.

so fast forward to nap time. jason was going to put hiba down for a nap and asked me if she was all ready, if she had a pull-up on. i said, yeah, she's ready. go ahead and put her down. so he did.

a few minutes later, we heard hiba calling. we ignored her. then she said "i got poopoo on my bed". bleh. so jason got up to go change her, thinking he would find a little poop on her sheets.

instead, he found hiba standing in her bed with a pile of poop next to her, which had fallen out of her shorts. because in fact, she did not have a pull-up on.

apparently, when jason told me that it would be confusing for her to wear underwear sometimes and a pull-up sometimes, he meant he didn't put a pull-up on her. and when he asked if she was ready for her nap, he meant did i put a pull-up on her since we've been home. he figured that was obvious because if he was asking, it meant she hadn't had a pull-up on earlier. i totally missed all of that.

so we had a good laugh, cleaned hiba up, changed the sheets and put her back to bed. it's good to be reminded that we can't read each other's minds, even when we have the best of intentions.

The Beginning of the End

matthias's birthday marks for me the beginning of the end of our time in palestine. we didn't really know it at the time, but his birth definitely was the beginning of two months of craziness. this is what happened between his birthday and november 16:

-matthias was born. spent two nights in the hospital and then went home. we had a wonderful friend who came for like two weeks to help out with hiba. she ended up cleaning our house, doing dishes and laundry. it was great, especially since i didn't realize how much i needed that rest.

-paidia's annual carnival. three nights. i was the volunteer coordinator and the carnival was run by volunteers. organizing, transporting, helping 30+ international and local volunteers each night. oh yeah, and matthias was less than a week old.

-plans were made and preparations were made to build the high ropes course. this means jason was working quite a bit. in addition to matthias being a few weeks old, hiba was around too. i'm so thankful for her daycare and the ladies there and so glad she liked it.

-ben, the ropes course guy, came to help build it. he stayed with us for a week and a half. matthias was a few weeks old at this point.

-my mom came to visit. yay! it was wonderful.

-ben left, jason continued to work on the leadership center and ropes course.

-we had a visa appointment. they sent our applications to "the committee". we were pretty much convinced we would get the visas and if we didn't, we'd stay anyway. this was the end of october. they said they'd let us know within two weeks.

-november 2 - got a call from the wonderful ministry of the interior. our applications were back and we could come get the results. they couldn't tell us over the phone. i already had plans all day, so i thought i'd just go the next day since we were gonna stay either way.

-november 3 - we got the news that our visas were denied and we had until november 16 to leave. sure runied that day. we were still planning on staying.

-november 5 - we decided to leave. it was probably the hardest decision of our life. also, since we waited a few days to decide, it meant we had 11 days to pack up, sell stuff, change plane tickets, figure out what we were doing when we got back to the US....all that fun stuff. oh yeah, matthias is just over a month old.

the next 11 days were crazy. looking back, they were actually pretty fun. we both worked a lot, jason with paidia and me with getting ready to go. we hung out with friends every night till the wee hours of the morning. we played tons of games of catan with rachel, saleem, and munther. we had bbqs with anyone who wanted to come over. i had my last friday lunch with the girls. jason played his last day of friday basketball. we had three going away parties (we're pretty awesome like that). we really savored every moment that we had.

but, because it was so crazy, i didn't really have time to process what was going on. or energy to, for that matter. there were so many big things that happened in the next two months that it's easy to think back and know exactly what i was doing each day a year ago. so this year, it's nice to be in a place to look back and remember, to process leaving, to grieve what i lost, to see what i gained, and love what we did.

i think it will be a long two months. maybe harder than last year. because this time around i know the end. ignorance is bliss. and those two months were crazy bliss. i know i probably look back through rose-colored glasses - i mean, it was crazy. and we were all tired and worn out. it was hard and by the end, i was glad to be done. but it was exciting stuff that we were doing. we were around wonderful people that we loved and who loved us. and those last 11 days sure were fun. it wasn't perfect and i sure wouldn't want to actually do it over again. but for now, i'll savor the memories as i think back to the beginning of the end.

happy birthday, zuus!

one year ago today started out like any other day. i walked hiba to day care, picked sara up to show her around bethlehem, went to a staff meeting, did a little work, went back home, made sure there were freezer meals ready - you know, every day stuff.

then i went to my dr.'s appointment, where he checked out matthias, who was looking good. plenty big, great heart beat, some small contractions here or there. so i told him i wanted to go ahead and have them break my water to put me into labor. he tried to talk me in to coming back the next morning, since it was already like 5 p.m. but i was pretty set on not being pregnant any more and hiba was at rachel's for the night, so he did not change my mind. plus, the paida carnival was like five days away and since i was the volunteer coordinator for it, the sooner i had the baby, the better.

so, i checked into the hospital, ate dinner, and headed up to the labor and delivery room. i got all settled in, they broke my water and said they'd come

back and check my progress in two hours to see if i needed any drugs or anything. that was at 6:30 p.m.

8 p.m. on the dot, matthias edward pollack made his way into the world. one and half hours of the worst pain of my entire life (admitedly, i haven't had a very painful life or anything, but GEEZ it was intense...), our little boy joined us.

now he's one. he's walking, starting to talk, laughing, joking, blowing kisses, throwing fits. how time flies. happy birthday, zuzu!

on a lighter note...

hiba is funny. hilarious, actually. sometimes she knows it, sometimes she doesn't. here are some of her latest quotes...

hiba: mommy, look, there is a c, p, and m.

me: oh yeah?

hiba: yes. say i'm so smart, mommy.

me: hiba, you are such a smart girl.

hiba: no, just say i'm so smart.

me: you're so smart.

hiba: i am, huh?

me: hiba, why did you hit matthias?

hiba: umm...well, because i don't like matthias in me and daddy's house. i don't like him in my house.

me: well, tough luck. he's here to stay.

hiba, in response to dropping an entire bowl of cheerios all over the floor: well, that's a bummer!

jason, to hiba after she went to the bathroom in the toilet: wow, hiba! i'm so proud of you! you are such a big girl!

hiba: now i can play rugby!!!

jason: huh?

hiba: you said i can play rugby when i'm a bigger. i'm a big girl now, so i can play rugby!

hiba: stay still! don't move!! do you understand me?!? do you understand? yes or no???

(this was said to a door that was closing a little bit....)

hiba, to me as i came out of the bathroom: mommy, did you go pee-pee in the potty like hiba does? wow, mommy! you are such a big girl! i am so proud of you! do you want candy?

if only i remembered earlier...

since we have moved back to the US, i've struggled a lot with a post-missionary entitlement attitude. i tend to think that i'm pretty great and that i've sacrificed so much for God that he owes me. and that's partly true. i mean, not the owing part, but the sacrifice part. by moving to palestine, jason and i put our careers on hold, gave up the chance to save up a lot of money before having kids, spent a significant time away from friends and family that we love, lived in a place that was pretty tough to live sometimes, moved to little rock when it wasn't our first choice. and that's great and all - go us. but it sure doesn't mean that God owes us anything.

but i keep thinking that it does. and i keep forgetting what has already been provided. jason got a job weeks after we got back, which is pretty amazing in this economy. our supporters generously continued supporting us for a few months after we got back so we could get our feet under us. we bought a house. we got a wonderful gift from uncle sam in april. we bought a car. we have new clothes. we go out to eat on a regular basis. we have a pool membership. we eat good food. the ac runs constantly in our house.

and those are just the material blessings. we have two beautiful, healthy kids. jason and i are both healthy. we love each other. we're making friends. we think we've found a church and are starting to get involved there. we've found outside activities that we like.

but i still find myself thinking 1) i am owed more and 2) now that i'm not a "missionary", God will not provide for us financially the way he did when we were in Palestine. oh, how wrong i am.

earlier this week, we took our car into the shop because the ac wasn't working. what we thought was a freon leak turned into needing to replace a lot of parts which took a lot of labor which cost a lot of money. and since we live in the land of excessive humidity, not fixing the ac isn't really something i'm willing to do. now, thanks for the above mentioned ways that God has provided (uncle sam mainly), we do have some savings for things like this. but, it was gonna pretty much wipe that account out. my reaction to God was something like this:

ok, God. thanks for providing this money and all, but now look. we won't have any. what if matthias falls off the couch and has to go to the er? what if hiba tries to climb a tree and falls and breaks her arm? what if our hot water heater quits working? then what are we supposed to do? i mean, i know we have other money saved, but it's for redecorating the house. and i deserve that. i bought a house that wasn't as nice as i wanted in an area that wasn't my first choice because this is where we've been called to live. so i deserve to make it nice. i mean, i gave up three years of my life in palestine for you - i deserve this. and i know we have a little money saved for fun things - but i want to go on vacation. jason wants to visit marty in china. i want to go on a cruise with christa. and i deserve that too. i mean, we need our breaks. i spent three years in palestine! i gave up three years of saving money, working, making "smart" financial decisions. it was fine while we were there, because we were missionaries and we could ask people for money. but what will we do now if something happens? how are you going to provide for us? when are you going to reward me for all that i've sacrificed for you??

i know. reading it now, it sounds pretty silly. especially with what happened next.

this morning our mechanic called to tell us the car was ready. the ac is running great and we can pick it up whenever we want. and then he said, "oh, and the good news is that someone from your church came by and paid for it".

and here's the really funny thing - we don't really have a church.

i'm glad that God deals with us gently when we need him to. yesterday, i had completely overlooked all of the ways He has provided for me - both in palestine and since we've been back. i'd put his way of providing for me into a little box and tucked it away labeled "things God does for you when you're a missionary". i'd limited the way that he could choose to provide for me and ignored all sorts of ways that he has and is providing for me. instead of being thankful for His love, grace, and provision i was focused on how awesome i was and how much i deserved. and instead of slapping me in the face (which is, in fact, what i deserved), Jesus paid for the ac in my car. i hope next time i'll remember.